See The Signs

What is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is when someone intentionally tries to control you or make you behave in a certain way by doing or saying things that make you feel afraid, ashamed, anxious, unsure or upset. It is a pattern of behaviour that can involve many different forms of abuse. This can include but is not limited to:

making it hard for you to see your friends and family
always needing to know where you are and what you are doing
telling you what you can and can’t wear, or where you can and can’t go
not letting you have control over your own money, or where you work
checking your phone, your computer and your social media
not letting you practice your faith or spirituality in ways that you want to
any actions or behaviours that make you feel like you’re being watched, or like you can’t act like yourself because you’ll be punished
any actions or behaviours that make you feel forced into doing something you don’t want to do, including things sexual or private.

If you do not feel safe and comfortable in your relationship, if you feel that you are ‘going crazy’ or feel confused and afraid, then it is abuse — not love.

How does coercive control happen, and who does it happen to?

Usually, coercive control happens in intimate relationships. This includes people who are married, people who are in committed partnerships with each other, or people who are dating. Coercive control can also start happening or keep happening after a separation or break up.

However, coercive control can happen in all kinds of relationships and contexts. This includes:

LGBTIQA+ relationships
Polyamorous or non-monogamous relationships
Immediate family members
Social, cultural and faith-based communities
Kinship groups and other extended family relationships
Carers and support workers of people who are elderly or living with disability.

While coercive control is often perpetrated by men against women in romantic relationships, coercive control can happen to anyone — no matter what your gender is, how you define your sexuality, your background, or who you are as a person.

Why do people use coercive control?

People use coercive control because they want to have power or control over another person.

The person using coercive control against you may say they 'lost control'. They may say they were not acting like themselves due to alcohol or drugs, or because of mental illness, stress or jealousy. This does not matter. It is always wrong for someone to try and control, pressure, or intentionally hurt someone they are or have been in a relationship with.

Are you worried that you may be using coercive control against someone you love? If you have concerns about your behaviour and want to talk to someone, you can contact the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491.

Seeking Help

Have you experienced coercive control?

You are not alone. What happened to you is not your fault. Once you have realised you are experiencing coercive control, you may want to seek help. There are confidential support services available to you, and information in other languages if you are looking for support.

For support with domestic violence or sexual assault, you can call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, visit the 1800RESPECT website or call the South Australian Domestic Violence Crisis Line on 1800 800 098. These are 24-hour services offering counselling and advice from trained responders.

Are you seeking help for your use of coercive control?

If you feel like you are behaving in a way that makes another person feel unsafe or like they are being controlled, it is important to take responsibility for what you are doing. You can change your behaviour once you recognise what is going on, and support is available to help you.

The first step is to be honest with yourself about how you have been acting in your relationships, and to hold yourself accountable for your behaviour. You may want to ask yourself the following questions:

Do I shout and scream at the people I care about?
Do I call the person I care about insulting or belittling names and constantly criticise them?
Have I used technology to track my loved one’s movements, monitored their social media, or read their private messages?
Have I ever threatened to or actually physically hurt someone I love because they acted in a way I didn’t like?
Have I ever stopped my partner or family member from making their own decisions about how they spend their money, or where they work?
Have I ever tried to stop a loved one from something that they wanted to do? (for example, going out with friends, having a job, doing some study)
Have I pressured someone I am in a relationship with into doing something sexual that they didn’t want to?
Have I ever made my loved ones feel scared or anxious because of how I’m acting?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, you should get in touch with someone who can help. Call the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491, or Don't Become that Man on 1300 24 34 13.

We all have disagreements — even arguments — with the people we love. But disagreement is no excuse for disrespect or abuse. If you feel like you are consistently acting in these ways towards people you care about, it is important to talk to someone about it.

What can you do if you know someone is experiencing coercive control?

Coercive control is common, and it can happen to anyone, at any time, and anywhere. It may be difficult to talk to someone about what they are experiencing — especially if they are being isolated by the person abusing them or when you feel you don’t know them very well. It is still important to step in and take action where you can, including by:

Calling the police. In an emergency, phone 000. For police attendance, phone 131 444.
Contacting a domestic violence support service for advice
Contacting the person being abused when it is safe, and let them know they are not alone
Making an application under the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme to help the person access information and support

Supporting someone experiencing coercive control can help them feel supported to break free of violence and gain back the confidence they need to recover and heal. More information on services and supports is available at the "Break The Cycle" website.

Intervention Orders

An Intervention Order is a legal measure designed to protect you from various forms of harm, including coercive control.

An Intervention Order is an Order from police or the Magistrates Court to stop abusive behaviours from occurring. Intervention Orders can be obtained to stop all forms of abuse, including coercive control, financial abuse, technology facilitated abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse.

There does not need to be any criminal charges laid by police for a Magistrate to grant an Intervention Order in South Australia. Intervention Orders will be granted when it can be shown that a person is at risk of harm should an intervention order not be granted.

Any person who is experiencing or at risk of domestic and family violence, including coercive control, should seek legal advice on whether an intervention order can assist them in stopping abuse from occurring.

The Legal Services Commission provides FREE advice to all South Australians through its Legal Helpline.

Women who are experiencing coercive control can also obtain assistance to apply for an intervention order, through the Women’s Domestic Violence Court Assistance Service (WDVCAS).

If you would like to talk to a lawyer for free about how an Intervention Order could assist you, call the Legal Services Commission on 1300 366 424 or visit the Legal Services Commission website.

The Legal Services Commission also operates the Women’s Domestic Violence Court Assistance Service (WDVCAS), which supports women to apply for, varying, or revoking an intervention order. To speak to the WDVCAS team call 1800 246 642 or visit the WDVCAS website.